Where We Go
by Nckmillr
Summary: Robin began to wonder if this would always be her life, this constant in between of being in love with Barney. It seemed no matter where she went, or for how long, there was never enough time or distance that took her away from this bizarre tug of war. (A post-finale fic that gives my own take on Swarkles after the divorce.)
1. Counting Up the Years

**AN: Hey guys! It's been a while, as usual. After the complete disappointment that was the finale, I couldn't bring myself to write much without either crying or just getting insanely angry. But, here is my first of many fix-it fics. This one in particular begins at MacLaren's just before Ted and Tracy's wedding, and is AU from there. I've tweaked the timeline a little-we start in summer of 2018. I hope you all enjoy!**

_Stop and Stare- OneRepublic_

_I'm staring down myself, counting up the years_  
_Steady hands, just take the wheel..._  
_And every glance is killing me_  
_Time to make one last appeal...for the life I lead_

* * *

Barney was certain for a moment that he was seeing a ghost.  
He knew that it had only been two years, but, God, she hadn't aged a day. She had the same smile and body and face, hardly a difference to spot.  
Barney knew that he himself had aged at least a little-he loved Ellie, but the kid was making him go gray-and was amazed at how remarkably the same Robin looked. She always had appeared younger than her age.  
"Hi." Robin said with a smile that almost felt normal. He did look different, older, but still as handsome as Robin remembered. He had a few more lines near his eyes, and some gray hairs mingled with the blonde she was used to. Robin was taken aback by how very mature he looked. She doesn't know quite how to feel, but her heart beats quicker at the sight of him.  
Barney blinked, twice, and after a moment the corners of his mouth turned up. It was the smallest of movements, but Robin took it as a good sign. "Hi."  
They both remembered their wedding day, the last time they'd stood like this and said those words. Barney clears his throat, catching himself staring. "It's good to see you." he said, and for the first time in a long while, he meant it.  
"It's good to see you too..._Dad_." At first Barney thinks Robin's making some weird sexual joke. It takes him a second longer than it should to get it, but then he lets out an awkward laugh. "Oh, yeah," he said, breathy. Robin's looking at him and he doesn't know what else to say. They hadn't talked in two years. She had remained in touch with the others separately. Robin had kept up with the weekly phone calls, sent gifts for all the birthdays, received all the Christmas cards-and evidently, the wedding invitation-but Barney's contact with her had been zilch.  
"How's that going?" Robin asked politely. Barney hated that it had come to this, the Courteous Tone in her voice. There was no resentment in her tone, just detached interest.  
"She's awesome." Barney replied in an equally polite way. Despite the situation, he couldn't help but smile at the thought of his daughter. "She's almost six months now."  
"That's awesome." Robin agreed. She was glad Barney was happy. She had offered him the out specifically for this reason, so that he could pursue his own happiness. Of course she was pleased to know he was doing so well, but it did sting that the cause of this happiness was the one thing she could never have given him. It felt like sick joke, but Robin forced herself to return his smile. "You'll have to show me pictures later."  
Barney nodded, wondering what exactly _later _entailed. He knew from Lily that Robin was living in New York now, but he had no clue for how long or whether that meant she would be spending time with the gang again. He knew that him and Robin had become friends again after their past break up, but could they really do normal after all that had happened? Barney was unsure.  
They shared another awkward smile before the others came up to greet Robin. Barney backed away, letting the others gush over her. He'd been so shocked to see her that he forgot how much the others must have missed her, too. Robin had taken a piece of them all when she left, and no amount of phone calls could quite replace the ability to actually see her.  
Barney slid into a seat at their old booth, sipping the scotch he had left sitting there. He kept his eyes on the table, waiting for the hellos and how are yous to be over. He wanted to talk to her, to catch up, even, but Barney knew it would all have to come later. He no longer had the right to all her time. He hadn't for years now, and the knowledge stung.  
Ted left the crowd to stand over Barney. "We're heading out now." he informed him. Ted glanced back over his shoulder at the others before dropping his tone. "How are you?" he asked, taking the seat across from Barney. Lily and Marshall were still preoccupied with Robin.  
Barney managed a grin, grateful for his friend's concern. "Yeah, it's great." he said half-heartedly. He fiddled with his glass. "Sure, it's a little weird, But Robin deserves to see you guys just as much as I do, and...The divorce shouldn't change that."  
Ted watched him for a long moment, then clapped Barney on the shoulder. "You've really grown up, man." he said with a smile. Barney laughed once, and then Marshall called out for them, following Lily and Robin towards the door.  
"Ready to go get married?" Barney asked Ted, both of them standing. Ted sighed, a goofy grin taking up his face. "Definitely."  
The wedding was exactly how Ted and Tracy had wanted it, albeit three years late. The castle was gorgeous, and everyone could see how all-out Ted had gone for his bride to be. The scene was breathtaking, the lights and flowers placed so perfectly that Robin had a hunch that Ted had done them himself. The ceremony was small, just a few friends and family members. Tracy was stunning in her dress, which was expected, and Ted cried, which was inevitable. As they said their vows, the room was silent except for their soft voices.  
"Tracy," Ted began, his weepy smile widening, "I love you because you found me when I was at my lowest and picked me back up. Because you make the best waffles in the world, and then you make them sing." he laughed, ducking his head before for looking back up, "Because of all your quirks, even how you leave wet paint brushes on the coffee table or hog the blankets. Most of all, because you taught me what it means to truly love another person. You've taught me so many lessons, and I vow to spend the rest of my life learning and growing with you."  
Robin, standing between Cindy and Lily as the bridesmaids, felt her heart twinge at the words. She was happy for them, she really was, but the atmosphere was almost too much. She was having flashbacks of her own wedding day, but tried desperately to block everything else out as Tracy began to speak.  
"I always thought that there was one person for everyone." she said slowly, serenely. "When I was nineteen, I was sure I found mine. And when I was twenty nine, I realized how wrong I'd been. Ted, everyday I'm so grateful that we found each other on that rainy train station platform. When I think of how easy it would have been not to have ended up there, I realize how miraculous it is that we did. Everyday with you has felt like another miracle, even the difficult ones. And so I vow to always love you for you, even when it's hard. Because you've done the same for me."  
Barney's eyes darted to Robin, the way she blinked away tears. She had done the same thing years ago, at their own wedding, and Barney felt a rush of something pass over him. Their eyes met, and neither looked away for a long time. Instead, Barney managed a tiny grin that reassured her. Robin nodded in response to his unspoken question, returning the soft smile.  
Ted and Tracy were announced husband and wife, at long last, and sealed it with a kiss. Robin could practically see the love between the two, the same thing she saw with Marshall and Lily, the same thing she thought she had always seen with Barney.  
And she did love him. She did then, she did now, and she knew she would for a long time. But that didn't mean it worked out. Sometimes you can love a person and you can try and try and try and it still amounts to...this.  
The reception wasn't nearly as painful. The open bar definitely helped, but Robin knew it was mostly the fact that for the first time in years she was with all her friends. She was finally spending time with the people that meant the most to her in the world, and it felt almost like old times. Even things with Barney weren't as strained-they spoke easily, even able to laugh and joke as if nothing had changed.  
As the party came to a close, Barney suggested that everyone head back to his house. No one objected, but Robin felt her nerves amp up again at the thought of seeing their old apartment. She kept her mouth shut, quietly panicking in the limo ride over.  
Would the place look at all the same? Barney had surely redecorated by now. Robin had told him when she moved away that he could toss out anything of hers that he found. She wondered now if he had. A part of her-a stupid, irrational part-hoped that she would find something of hers that Barney had held on to. The smallest indication that Barney was feeling a fraction of the pain she was.  
Ranjit dropped them off outside his apartment building. Robin took a breath before exiting the limo, the gang following close behind. She hung back, needing just a second longer to collect herself. Barney noticed, shooting her a concerned look, but knowing that she wouldn't want to talk about it.  
Tracy had a different idea. When Robin walked through the lobby, the smaller woman touched her arm. The gesture was light, but it made Robin jump nonetheless. "Sorry!" Tracy said quickly, facing her. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay."  
Robin took a slow breath, feeling that usual wave of gratitude because Tracy had come into their lives. She hadn't just changed Ted's life-she had changed all of their lives. Tracy was understanding, and so kind, and often made Robin say things she kept to herself. "I'm okay," Robin almost said, but the wide brown eyes gazing at her made the truth come out. "It's just a little...surreal."  
"Do you remember the advice I gave you the day we met?" Tracy said, voice gentle. She was careful not to say _on your wedding day._  
Robin nodded. "Three deep breaths."  
Tracy squeezed her arm, making her way to the elevator. She understood that Robin needed a second for herself. Leaning against the lobby wall, Robin closed her eyes. Inhale, exhale, repeat, repeat. On the third exhale, Robin opened her eyes and pressed the button that would bring her upstairs.


	2. Saying Things We Haven't for a While

_For the First Time- the Script_

_But we're gonna start by_  
_Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,  
Sit talking up all night,_  
_Saying things we haven't for a while_  
_We're smiling but we're close to tears,_  
_Even after all these years,_  
_We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time_

* * *

The apartment was new and old. For Robin, walking inside felt like returning home after the first semester at college, when everything was familiar but slightly off balance.  
Robin had called this place her home for three years, but for the first time ever the apartment truly looked lived in. There were baby toys scattered around the floor, and a shelf full of children's books. Barney had invested in new furniture, as well, though the same leather couch still remained. The place was, to Robin's shock, cozy.  
Even so, Robin saw ghosts all around the place- the corner of the living room where they had always placed the Christmas tree, the now empty spot in the cupboard where she'd kept her Canadian flag mug...  
She took a seat on the sofa and did her best to remain calm. Robin reminded herself that it wasn't that big of a deal, really, she was only making a mountain out of a mole hill.  
Everyone settled into the living room while Barney went to call Loretta, asking her to drop Ellie off now that they were home. Tracy and Ted were completely lost in each other, feeling the blissfulness that Robin could still recall feeling after her own nuptials. She tried not to look at them too much, for fear of seeing them reflecting what was once between her and Barney.  
Lily and Marshall, perhaps sensing her mood, made it their jobs to keep Robin talking. They asked more about Greece, and Paris, and compared stories about Rome. They insisted Robin show them her photos from all the travels, and Barney returned as she was taking out her phone. "My mom's on her way." he informed them, taking a seat beside Robin on the couch. She did her absolute best not to tense up at the proximity. "I can't wait for you to meet Ellie." he continued, facing her slightly. "She's in that giggly stage, you know, it's adorable."  
Robin smiled, and went through the motions of asking questions about the baby. Barney's baby, she reminded herself. The concept was so bizarre, and yet made complete sense. Robin could see how great a dad he was. Barney talked about Ellie like she was the reason he breathed, and, Robin supposed, she was. Robin knew that the divorce had really taken a toll on him. While she had been traveling, she would request stories from Lily whenever they spoke on the phone (sure, it was masochistic to always ask about her ex husband, but a twisted part of her had hoped that Barney was as miserable as she was). Robin knew too well how he had reverted back to his old self.  
Except not really, because here was Barney Stinson, doting father, sitting right in front of her. If Robin had not seen it for herself, she wouldn't have believed a word their friends had said.  
"It sounds like you're doing really well." Robin said when Barney had at last finished his rambling. The words were intended to be encouraging, but even to Robin's own ears they sounded sad. She smiled to cover it up, but of course Barney saw right through it. But because he was Barney, because he understood, he didn't comment.  
Instead, he returned the smile, but it looked just as sad as Robin's. "I am." Barney promised, and they both knew they weren't talking about Ellie anymore. The divorce hadn't been easy. They had needed some distraction, so Robin had thrown herself into work while Barney had thrown himself into...every woman in New York. It was what they knew, Robin supposed. Old habits die hard.  
At first, the traveling had been perfect. With all the exotic places, and the cultures, and the work load, Robin didn't have a second to think about anything else. It was just as she liked it. But then there was the night, the only time when she was free of anything else. The only time she allowed herself to think of Barney, and the most important mistake she had ever made. The nights had ripped her apart.  
And so Robin had slowly found her way back to the city. A position had opened up back in New York, and she'd taken the offer without a second thought. Her year long break had been much needed, but she yearned for her friends and her home.  
Marshall cleared his throat, pulling Barney and Robin out of their trances. They were still looking at each other, they noticed, and quickly readjusted to face the rest of the room. Barney swore he saw the hint of a smirk on Robin's face.  
They cracked open some wine. Robin was pleasantly surprised with how easy it was, just sitting and talking and drinking like they always had. Barney stayed next to her the whole time, his leg brushing her thigh every now and then. Robin didn't read into it.  
"We should go." Ted said eventually, reluctantly. He had missed Robin, and it was refreshing to see the whole gang back together.  
"Sorry, kids," Tracy continued as the others groaned. She held onto Ted's arm as he helped her up. "But us old married people have an early flight tomorrow."  
"Today, actually." Ted corrected, checking his watch. A quarter past one. "We'll be in Juneau in approximately twelve hours."  
Marshall shook his head. "I can't believe you guys are honeymooning in Alaska." he said for the upteenth time. Tracy and Ted adopted defensive looks.  
"Hey, Pearson's Pond is a gorgeous inn." Ted said immediately, while Tracy took up the protest along with him. "I do believe the travel channel describes it as 'a serene wilderness escape with great views of the gardens, mountains, and water'." she recited.  
The others laughed at their friends and allowed the subject to drop. "Seriously, congratulations, guys." Marshall offered. His smile was genuine now.  
"It was about damn time," Lily agreed, watching the lovesick couple. Ted kissed Tracy's cheek, eliciting a huge smile from her, and the sweet gesture made Robin avert her eyes.  
Marshall and Lily followed the two shortly after, leaving the apartment just as Loretta entered. "Hey, Ellie Belly." Barney cooed, taking his daughter in his arms. Robin held her breath without realizing it.  
"Oh-" Loretta said, her face dropping at the sight of her once daughter-in-law. "Hello, Robin." Her tone wasn't particularly unkind, but she shot her son a confused look that bordered on displeased.  
"Nice to see you, Loretta." Robin said as politely as she could manage. The older woman didn't look at her after that, turning her back to talk to Barney.  
"She's fed and changed, but I couldn't get her to sleep." Loretta's tone had an edge to it, making Robin want to run out of there. Loretta kissed her granddaughter's cheek, then her son's. "Bye, Wuv Wuvs." she said to the two, then, half way out the door, "Goodbye, Robin."  
The door slamming behind her, Robin didn't respond. Barney grimaced as he turned to face her. "I'm sorry, she's-"  
Robin shook her head, feigning a grin. Stupidly, she felt as though she might cry. It was ridiculous, but Loretta's cold shoulder made Robin feel the weight of how much she had hurt Barney. "No, don't be." she said quickly, pursed her lips. "I should go, anyway." Robin moved to the door, but Barney placed a hand gently on her arm. She flinched at the contact.  
"Sorry," Barney said again, awkwardly. He dropped his hand, but his face was sad. "Please stay." he said. "Come on, you still have to meet Ellie."  
Robin looked at him, at the bundle in his arms, and relented. She nodded, following Barney to the sofa. The sight of him, a father, struck a chord with Robin. It was one thing to hear him talk about his baby, but it was another thing entirely to witness Barney and Ellie first hand. He held her so gently, bouncing and rocking her. Barney hummed under his breath to soothe her, a familiar tune.  
"Is that Sandcastles in the Sand?" Robin asked, though she already knew the answer. Barney stopped himself immediately. His face reddened just the slightest amount.  
"Uh, yeah." he said with a sheepish laugh. "Ellie kind of loves that song."  
"How does she..." Robin trailed off though, thinking of exactly how Barney's daughter might have heard the song. "God, you don't still have that tape, do you?" she demanded, laughing in spite of herself.  
Barney relaxed at the sound. "Hey, you don't throw away gold." he teased. Robin met his gaze, both of them smiling. It was nice.  
Robin dropped her eyes back to Ellie, but felt Barney look a her for a moment longer. Barney continued his humming, swaying Ellie back and forth. Robin listened to the song for a minute, then began to sing quietly.  
"She's asleep." Barney said after the song had finished, surprised. "We did it."  
Robin chuckled. She looked at Ellie's face, the closed eyes that were exactly the shade of her father's. She had her mother's nose, however, a tiny thing with an unfamiliar shape. Robin felt a wave of something crash over her, but she couldn't say exactly what it was. "Do you want to hold her?" Barney asked, seeing Robin's eyes become misty.  
"Yeah," Robin said, glad he offered the distraction. She cleared her throat, willing the tears away. "Sure."  
Barney passed Ellie over gently, careful not to wake her. Robin supported the baby's head, holding her as lightly as possible. She was so little. Barney watched Robin, and when she looked back at him she saw something in his eyes. He looked sad, and she wanted to know why. As she began to ask, Barney attempted to change the subject. "Can I get you a refill?" he asked, gesturing to her glass while he shot up from the couch. The movement knocked over Barney's own cup, still half full. "Shit-" he swore as the red wine began to spill over the table.  
The loud sound awoke Ellie, who promptly began screaming her head off. Robin startled, immediately trying to soothe her while Barney cleaned up the spill. Robin rocked Ellie slowly as she had watched Barney do, finding, to her surprise, that it did calm the baby. Still, Ellie's crying didn't cease, just quieted.  
"Here, I should put her to bed..." Barney noted, reaching out for his daughter. Robin passed Ellie to him carefully, lips pursed. When the two of them had disappeared into Ellie's bedroom, Robin glanced around the apartment, unsure what to do with herself. She noticed the mess that gang had left on the table and decided to pick up a little. Robin went through the motions of clearing off the coffee table and rinsing the dishes in the sink. She was utterly oblivious to the water burning her hands, distracted by the sense of deja vu she felt.  
"She knocked out pretty quickly." Barney sighed a few minutes later, reentering the room. "You don't have to do that-" he added quickly, coming around to the counter. He made a move to take the plate that Robin held, but she waved him off.  
"Let me." she insisted, grabbing the dishtowel, "It's not fair to stick you with the whole clean up."  
Barney grinned the smallest amount, relenting. "Fine, then I'll wash and you dry." He came up behind her suddenly, causing Robin to tense up. He had intended to take the dish from her, but somehow Barney was now pressed against Robin's back.  
"Yeah, uh, deal," she said in a rush, her voice uncharacteristically nervous. She jumped back, causing Barney to lumber out of the way. He laughed like he thought she was adorable, that same chuckle Robin recognized from all those years they had spent together.  
_God_, she had missed that.  
Robin hopped up onto the counter, fiddling with a loose thread on the towel. Barney rinsed plate after plate, handing each to her immediately after. Each time he did so, Robin felt droplets of water soak into her pant leg. For those few minutes, they could have been married again. It could have been any old night in. Robin could remember it- hosting a dinner with their friends the way they used to, taking their time cleaning up before kicking back in bed for the highlight of their evening.  
To Robin's amazement, the conversation came easily, just as it had in the past. For everything that had happened between them, it seemed to be one thing Robin could count on when it came to Barney.  
They worked in perfect synchronization, and neither of them read into it when their hands touched as he passed her a wine glass. When the dishes were all cleaned and put away, the two of them leaned against either side of the counter.  
"So-" Robin began, grasping for a reason not to leave just yet. It had been a good night-great, actually-and she wanted to pretend for just a little longer that everything could go back to normal. The gang, all together again, her and Barney and...whatever they were. Friends was better than nothing at all, because Robin had never felt more lonely than she did this past year. She didn't want to go back to her small apartment and her dogs and have to continue going on without her friends. Least of all Barney, whom had always been her best friend, the one she told even the things that were hardest to say, the person who understood her in a way that both terrified and delighted her. She had missed him so much.  
"One for the road?" Barney requested, supplying her with an excuse as he waved a bottle at her. Barney had always known just what she needed, and Robin liked the fact that time had not changed this.  
"Yeah, why not," Robin said casually, but her face broke into a smile that gave her away. They both knew perfectly well why not. Because this would only end badly, and it wasn't lost on Robin that Barney had chosen a bottle of Glenn Mckenna in exchange for the wine they'd been sipping all night.  
"We can catch up." Robin heard herself say. And she stayed, and they did.  
'One for the road' became four, and they soon found themselves sitting too close to each other on the couch. It was still innocent, though, just the two of them talking.  
About work, and their friends, and Ellie. And when that fifth drink hit, Barney and Robin finally had the courage to talk about them.  
"We both went back to our biggest weaknesses," Barney muttered, tongue swirling around his glass for that last drip of scotch. "I went back to bimbos, and you went back-" he broke off to hiccup, "to Ted."  
Robin snorted. "You think Ted...is my biggest weakness?"  
Barney looked at her. "Less look at the facts. You dated him for a year. You got wasted days before his wedding to Stella, then-" _hiccup_ "-you moved to Japan to get away from them. Then! You almost ran away with him on our wedding day-"  
Robin startled. "You know about that?"  
Barney put his drink down. "Ted told me once." he paused, thoughtful, "Uh, a while ago. I don't remember when..."  
"Barney," Robin said, the hurt in her voice evident. She had been so unfair to him then. "I didn't mean it." Her drunk brain went into overdrive then, making the tears rush to her eyes. Ted had never been her weakness, and Robin needed Barney to believe that.  
Alarmed, Barney put an arm around her. It was comforting, and for reason she couldn't fathom, it made Robin cry harder. "I'm ssorry." Barney slurred, confused by her reaction. Robin sniffled and shook her head. God, did she hate crying.  
"Nuh-uh." she blubbered. "I'm sorry I...I'm sorry." She didn't know what else to say, couldn't think of anything that would make it better for either of them. They were both shocked at her sudden outburst, and Robin herself was horrified. She knew that Ted had always been her safety, and he would always be the one that got away-or was that her? Did it work both ways?-but Barney had it all wrong.  
"But, um," Robin managed minutes later, feeling comforted by Barney's arm. "Ted isn't..." she took a breath, the post-crying kind that shakes embarrassingly. "He's not my weakness, Barney. You are."  
The words were out, and Robin held her breath as Barney processed them. He blinked at her, and a moment later a wounded look crossed his face. "You can't-" he muttered, his face close to hers, "Say things like that to me."  
Robin, perplexed, realized just how close they were to each other. Absently, as a force of habit, her eyes traveled to his lips. She leaned in just as Barney stood up, causing Robin to fall on her face. She pushed herself off of the couch, stunned.  
"Sorry. Robin, I'm sorry," he stammered, looking guilty and sad. "You should go."  
Robin looked at him, not understanding, not wanting to ask. Instead, she stood and nodded and grabbed her coat. She kept her head down, fighting away the tears again, until the last possible second. At the door, hand on the knob, Robin finally looked at him. "Thanks for tonight." she said sincerely, glad that her watery eyes weren't visible from this distance. "And uh, see you later." Robin finished lamely. She felt dejected as she exited his apartment, her old home, and wandered towards the elevator. Inside, not even bothering to press the buttons, Robin let herself cry.


	3. In the Lonely Hour

_The Lonely Hour- Sam Smith_

_There's nothing I can do, I'm helpless without you_  
_ It's a losing point of view_  
_ when there's a wistful silence, in an empty room_  
_ These other voices, they don't cut through_  
_ In the lonely hour, I need you_

* * *

And she kept crying. In the taxi, not giving a damn about the driver's alarmed looks in the rear view mirror. Robin cried all the way to her new apartment, feeling the pain all over again upon looking at all the moving boxes. They were still packed. She didn't care.  
Robin hated crying. It was because she had forced herself to Not Cry for a such a long time that it was all hitting her at once now. Robin walked through the apartment, and fell onto her bed, fully clothed.  
It hurt. It hurt like a bitch.  
Robin pulled her legs against herself, curling into a pitiful ball. She recognized the panic attack immediately, having had experienced one here or there while on her travels. Her breathing was shallow, her chest tight, and she felt the same way she had after witnessing that bomb attack in Burma. Robin stood and carefully walked to the bathroom, cautious of falling over as the blood rushed to her head. She clutched the towel racks for support, then lowered herself onto the cold tile floor. The room was growing black and fuzzy around the edges. Robin clung to anything tangible: the tile against her skin, the marble counter, the edge of the bathtub. The air was coming too quickly and Robin felt her heart pounding fast enough to leave her ribcage. Suddenly she leaned over the toilet, hands clenching the cool porcelain, and emptied her stomach.  
When Robin could stand, she pulled herself up and returned to her bedroom. There, she stood before the full length mirror. Long legs, long torso, long arms, thin all around. Robin had always been confident in herself, but something about being with Barney had made her really like her body. The way he had loved it so much, practically cherished it, had given Robin a sense of greater reassurance. Now, she felt like a stranger in her own skin.  
She felt like a stranger everywhere, really, and things that used to make sense no longer did. New York, her city, the place she had called home...it felt foreign to her now, as though she was a tourist. It was funny how Robin had spent the last two years uprooting her life only to return home and still not feel settled.  
And her friends, the group she no longer quite fit into. It wasn't that they didn't try, or that they didn't love each other just as much now as they did then. It was, Robin believed, the distance that had caused the strain. You can keep in touch, you can call and video chat and write postcards until your fingers cramp, but nothing can replace the feeling of actually being there. The five of them had been there for each other while Robin was off buried in her work, and it left her as the outsider looking in.  
Then there was Barney, because didn't it always come down to him? They were trying, and it wasn't nothing, but maybe two years was still too soon.  
Robin turned away from her reflection, her stomach cramping and throat sore from crying. Everything was so bizarre lately. She wished desperately for something normal, whatever that meant anymore. Even as she did so, Robin knew that nothing would ever be the same as it had once been.  
_God, _she thought, throwing herself back down onto her mattress, _am I having an identity crisis? _  
She ripped her shoes off, though still not bothering to change clothes. Robin laid very still, everything aching, and stared at her ceiling. She wondered what was wrong with her, and when it had begun. (She knew the answer, of course. It began, as everything seemed to these days, with Barney.)  
Robin felt suddenly exhausted. She closed her eyes, willing away the headache she felt.

"You look awful."  
Barney slid his way into the booth, across from Lily and Marshall. His suit was rumpled, hair askew, and his eyes were sunken as though he hadn't slept all night.  
"Gee, Lil, thanks." Barney managed, but his heart wasn't in the sarcasm. Last night had left him all the more confused about Robin. He didn't know where they stood, or when he'd see her next. He wasn't even sure if he could handle seeing her again.  
"Seriously, what happened to you?" Marshall piped up, arm slung around his wife.  
Barney grimaced, shooting the couple a look. Lily sat up immediately, sensing the meaning behind it. "Something happened between you two last night, didn't it?"  
Marshall quirked an eyebrow. "Who two?" he asked, looking from Lily to Barney.  
Lily gaped at her friend. "You guys didn't-"  
"No, Lily, we didn't." Barney interrupted, voice venomous.  
"Who didn't?" Marshall demanded, prompting glares from the other two.  
"Barney and Robin-"  
"Did not sleep together last night." Barney cut across. Marshall perked up at the mention of Robin, though his enthusiasm was much more muted than his wife's.  
"You really didn't sleep together?" Lily pressed, disappointment evident in her voice. When Barney looked at her blankly, she protested: "You two are my best friends, God forbid I want to see you happy!"  
"Believe me, Lily," Barney deadpanned, "Reopening that wound would not be doing Robin or myself any favors."  
Pouting slightly, Lily leaned back in her seat, decidedly less interested in the conversation now. "So if you weren't up all night having crazy makeup sex, why do you look like hell?"  
Barney sighed, pursing his lips. "Robin kind of came on to me last night."  
Lily shared a look with Marshall. "Came on to you how?" he asked, suddenly as official as if he was behind the judge stand.  
"After everyone left last night, we had some more to drink-"  
"This sounds more and more like makeup sex to me." Lily interjected, singsong, earning another glare from Barney.  
"-and we got to talking about...us... and next thing I know Robin is trying to kiss me."  
Lily and Marshall exchanged another look. "_Trying _to kiss you?" she repeated, "What stopped her?"  
Barney hesitated, giving Lily a disapproving look. "Lily, come on." he said tiredly, "You know I can't go back down that road."  
"But why?" Lily demanded, indignant like a child. "Robin still loves you-"  
"She's right, buddy," Marshall added, unable to keep quiet now, "and it sure seems like you still love her."  
"Exactly! It's _soo _obvious. You two have the kind of chemistry-"  
Barney doesn't let himself dream. "Guys, it's not happening. I can't put myself through that again, and I sure as hell can't put Robin through it again." He pursed his lips. "Robin and I are done."  
He meant it. He had to. It hurt like hell, but Robin deserved a chance to be successful, to be happy in a way Barney evidently couldn't make her.  
Lily, of course, had other plans. Later that day she arrived at the Fortress unannounced. Barney opened the door to see her windblown and out of breath. "Hey, Lil- where's the fire?"  
She blew past him into the apartment. "Cut the crap, Stinson." she said harshly, facing him as Barney shut the door behind her.  
"What are-"  
Lily, exasperated, took a seat on the couch. "You and Robin should be together!" Lily insisted, staring him down.  
"Lily." Barney warned, "I already-"  
"Yeah, yeah." Lily interjected, waving him off, "I know what you said." She gave him a doubtful look. "And I also know that it's kind of bullshit." Lily's tone became softer as Barney took a seat next to her. "What's really going on?"  
Barney groaned. "Can't you just accept the fact that Robin and I don't work?"  
"Oh, sure. Of course I can accept that." Lily said, faux-innocent, "If that were the case, which it clearly isn't."  
Barney heaved a sigh. "I don't make her happy." he said, at last speaking the truth of it aloud. "That's why she offered me the out, and that's why we can't be together again."  
"Barney," Lily said gently, placing a comforting hand on his arm, "You don't really believe that, do you? I never saw either of you more happy than when you were together."  
"Yeah." Barney said bitterly, "Well then why did she want a divorce?"  
"Maybe she didn't." Lily said quickly, then bit her tongue. Her face was that of someone who'd said too much, causing Barney to quirk an eyebrow.  
"What did she tell you?" he asked intently. Lily shook her head, lips pursed. "Come on, Aldrin. Spill it."  
"I can't. Robin told me in confidence..." Seeing Barney's pleading look, Lily amended, "But I will say this: don't give up on her just yet."  
Barney rolled his eyes. "Thanks, Captain Cryptic." he said sarcastically. _He _certainly wasn't the one who had given up. It didn't matter, anyway. Barney was certain Lily was saying all this just to amp him up-she had her own reasons for wanting him and Robin to be together, after all-and didn't dare get his hopes up.

* * *

**AN: I hope you guys don't mind the angst these chapters have so far. I fully intend for this fic to cheer up eventually, but I think exploring the grief after their divorce is a necessary part. Thanks for reading!**


	4. I Can't Take My Mind Off Of You

_The Blower's Daughter- Damien Rice _

_I can't take my eyes off you  
Did I say that I loathe you?  
Did I say that I want to  
Leave it all behind?  
__I can't take my mind off of you___

* * *

Robin was awoken by a pounding on her door. The clock on her bedside table let her know that it was seven in the morning. She'd hardly slept, and considered ignoring her visitor. But when the knocking persisted, Robin huffed into the living room to pull the front door open. The "what the hell do you want?" caught in her throat when she saw him. Instead, she managed a surprised, "Barney?"  
Startled, Robin took in his appearance. He looked a little scattered, as if he'd gotten here in a rush. Robin realized with a slight blush that she was still in yesterday's clothing. She gawked at Barney for another moment before the words found their way to her mouth. "What are you doing here?"  
"Sorry." he said abruptly, seeming to catch up with himself. He immediately regrets coming, but can't make himself turn away. "Can I-?" he asked, nodding past the threshold and into the living room. Robin hesitated, peering back over her shoulder before taking a step to the side. "Sure." she relented, feeling nervous. She gnawed on her lip as Barney moved past her.  
"What's, uh, what's up?" she asked, working to keep her voice casual. She desperately wanted things to not be weird, knowing at the same time that it was inevitable.  
"Sorry," Barney said again, gingerly taking a seat on the couch. Robin could see him very pointedly ignoring the unpacked boxes. "I shouldn't have come here, I-"  
Robin sat down, too, cautious of the space she leaves between them. The last thing she needed was to humiliate herself again like the night before. "Barney, what is it?" she pressed, looking at him head-on.  
Barney pursed his lips. "I have a court date coming up." he began, the worry in his voice all too obvious.  
Robin sighed. "What did you pee on?"  
"No!" Barney protested, laughing. The sound strikes something within Robin. "It's about Ellie."  
"Oh." Robin said, "Uh, what about Ellie?"  
Barney scratched the back of his neck. "Her mother is moving out to California within the next few weeks, and I'm trying to get full custody."  
This information settled in Robin's mind. Barney as a full-time father. "Wow." she said dumbly, uncertain of exactly _what _to say. "That's huge, Barney, and I'm happy for you..." She tilted her head, "But isn't this something that Marshall should help you with?"  
Barney glanced at her, blinking once. The thought hadn't really crossed his mind. "Yeah, you're right." he amended, face blank. He paused, knowing his next words were probably a mistake. "I just- I got the news and the first person I thought to tell was you."  
Robin stared at him, at a loss. It wasn't fair, any of this. It was all so goddamn unfair.  
"Barney..."  
He nodded, sighing. "I know, yeah. Okay." He shook his head. "I'm sorry I barged in. I'm crazy nervous and...I don't know." His eyes flickered over Robin, unfathomable. "You always knew how to calm me down."  
Robin didn't know how to respond. It was true, she supposed, but it was a weird situation to be giving advice about. She didn't know the woman that was Ellie's mother, nor did she have any idea what she was like. Even if she did, was Robin really in any position to be offering her two sense about her ex-husband's lovechild?  
Robin pushed the thoughts away, immediately feeling guilty for her bitterness. Ellie meant everything to Barney, and so she meant as much to Robin, too.  
"So what's the deal with Ellie's mother?" she asked, forcing herself to keep her voice level. As Barney opened his mouth to respond, jumping into a long-winded explanation, Robin made her face as blank as possible. She didn't want Barney to know how hard it still was for her, seeing him like this. He was a dad, and he was mature, and he had a whole life that Robin no longer knew a thing about.  
The realization stung, but nonetheless Robin wanted to help out as best as she could. Barney loved Ellie, and he was a hell of a father. If this meant happiness for him, Robin wanted to give Barney his best shot.

* * *

After that day, Barney and Robin began talking more. It started off with a text here or there, passive conversations during their lunch breaks. But then Barney showed up at her office one afternoon, asking if Robin wanted to grab a bite, and, well, it was all too easy to fall back into their old pattern.  
Soon enough, they were eating lunch together daily. Sometimes before work they grabbed coffee, and had even gotten drinks at the bar on one occassion. Their friends didn't know a thing-or if they did, no one asked.  
Through all their conversational topics-and there were plenty, to both of their pleasant surprise-the one thing they never discussed was their relationship. It was their unspoken rule. If things were meant to move forward with the two of them (be it as friends or something more), they had to keep everything else that had happened in the past.  
And this suited them both just fine, for the most part.  
A few times, though, Robin began to wonder if this would always be her life, this constant in between of being in love with Barney. It seemed no matter where she went or for how long, there was never enough time or distance that took her away from this bizarre tug of war. These thoughts added an unnecessary complication to it all, and were easily pushed out of mind.  
But then there was Lily, who never ceased to notice things others were trying to keep secretive. She had chided Robin over drinks earlier that week, after Robin had hurried into the bar looking a little too pleased about something.  
_Someday_, Lily had said, suspicious as she noticed Barney walking past the window, _you're going to have to choose one or the other._  
And _sure, okay_, Robin knew that. But she also knew this: Barney and her had something, something easy and effortless in spite of everything they had undergone. And Robin knew that she had fun with him, and that (at least for the time being) it was completely innocent.  
Robin had given her a clueless look, playing dumb until Lily gave her the side-eye. "I know." Robin admitted, dropping the act. She stared after Barney's retreating figure, wishing things could just stay as they were.  
_But why the hell couldn't they? _A devious part of her wondered. Her and Barney were two functioning adults, so why should something as trivial as their divorce change anything?  
"Because you still love him." Lily retorted, sipping her drink. Robin gave her a bewildered look. Had she said that out loud?  
Lily laughed. "Sweetie, you should know by now how easy it is for me to read you." Her tone turned sympathetic, "But we both know that if you and Barney don't talk things out, this little arrangement you have is going to come to a head sooner or later."  
Robin had dropped the subject after that. She was sure Lily was right, but Robin was hoping that that time would come later rather than sooner.

* * *

It didn't, of course.  
The following week was the day of Barney's court date, and his five friends had made sure to be there for the hearing. As the six of them huddled in the lobby, Robin could tell that Barney was nervous as all hell, and did her best to calm him before they entered the courtroom.  
"Hey." she said, taking his hand. Their friends took notice, all but Lily looking surprised at the gesture. "It's in the bag. You said yourself that Ellie's mom is unfit, and the judge is bound to be impressed when she sees you have Marshall with you." Surely seeing a fellow judge as a witness would sway her decision?  
Barney nodded, forcing a grin. "Thanks, Scherbatsky." he murmured. The nickname alarmed Robin, completely unexpected. She hadn't been called that in years, and the name brought with it a wave of memories. She looked at Barney, and there was a pause during which Robin was certain he was remembering, too.  
"You'll be great." Robin said, clearing her throat. She released his hand with a final squeeze as the doors opened.  
It was over pretty quickly. The judge-who _did _recognize Marshall-listened as Barney and several witnesses gave evidence of the mother's inability to parent. Robin kept her fingers crossed tightly the whole time, hoping beyond all hope that Barney would get custody. This woman was always partying, or hooking up with guys, and didn't have a fraction of the money Barney had to care for Ellie. Robin knew that fathers very rarely won custody battles, but she had faith in Barney. After all, they had to rule in favor of what was best for the child, didn't they?  
When the judge announced that he'd been granted full custody, Robin gave Barney a running hug. He laughed in disbelief, one hand on her waist and one at the back of her head. She pulled back just enough to meet his eyes, which were practically dancing with joy. She tightened her arms around his neck for a moment longer, then passed Barney along to their friends. They all pulled him in tightly as they exited the courtroom, buzzing with excitement.  
Robin moved to pick up her purse before following them out.  
"Congratulations." A shrill voice said from behind her, alarming Robin. She straightened up to see the petite brunette she recognized as Number 31. (Robin knew her real name by now, of course, but she preferred not to think of her as a real person). Standing in front of her, though, Ellie's mother was very much real.  
She gave Robin a scathing look. "I hope you know what you're getting into."  
Robin almost laughed. "Excuse me?" she blurted, trying to keep the amusement from her face.  
"The guy's an ass." Number 31 explained, obviously meaning Barney, "You're wasting your time. I know from personal experience that he's not interested in having some happy little family. Dude's been in love with some Robin girl for years."  
Robin gaped at her, no longer amused. "I think you have the wrong idea about me and Barney." she said, not wanting to clarify that she was, in fact, that "Robin girl".  
Number 31 scoffed. "I saw that little hug, and the way you were looking at him the whole time." She shook her head, the bitterness leaving her for a moment. "I'm just saying, don't expect to play mommy to Ellie and live happily ever after."  
With that, she turned on her heel and strutted away, leaving Robin in a state of shock. After a moment, Robin collected herself and followed her out the door. Her friends were still in the lobby, expectantly waiting for her.  
"Hey," Barney said, worry in his voice, "She didn't try to talk to you, did she?" he nodded to where Number 31 was ahead of them.  
Robin shook her head. "No, I, uh, just misplaced my purse." She lifted the bag as proof, not able to understand why the encounter had left her feeling so weird. Robin had settled into this pattern with Barney so blindly, not even giving it a second thought. Was it possible that she'd convinced herself that they _could _actually live happily ever after?  
"Good." Barney said obliviously, smiling at her. Robin managed one back as they met up with the rest of the gang.  
"We have to celebrate!" Ted insisted, appraising the others. "Maclaren's?" he asked, already knowing the answer.  
As the others nodded their agreement, Robin cleared her throat. "I actually have to head home." she lied, smiling apologetically in response to her friends' disappointment.  
"Yeah, me too." Barney said, eying her strangely. "We can split a cab."  
Robin went to object, meeting the confused glances of the other four, but Barney was already hailing a taxi.  
"What's going on?" he demanded once they were on their way to Robin's place.  
"What?" Robin asked, hoping to avoid a conversation about this. Barney cut her a look that said he wasn't buying it.  
"Come on, Robin."  
She leaned her head back onto the seat, thinking of anything but the truth. "It's nothing." she insisted, "I'm just...getting used to the realization that you're really a dad now." It wasn't a complete lie, at any rate. Barney still looked slightly unconvinced, but didn't push the subject.  
"It is kind of weird, huh?" he agreed, looking off into the street ahead of them. "I mean, it was never a part of the plan."  
Robin grinned. "You mean to tell me that knocking up some bimbo wasn't on your list of future goals?"  
Barney nudged her playfully, smiling despite himself. "You know what I mean." he said seriously, "I've always liked kids, you know, but I'd never actually wanted one." His tone was thoughtful, somewhere else, "And when we got married, I'd completely pushed the idea of babies out of my mind."  
Robin, ignoring the mention of their past relationship, nodded. "Right, because I can't have them." she said, the bitterness seeping into her voice. Even after so long, her infertility was still a sore subject. Now more than ever, after seeing Barney with his own child.  
"Because you didn't want them." Barney corrected, glancing at her, "I mean, we could have adopted or whatever, but I wouldn't have asked that of you."  
Robin met his gaze, the discomfort setting in. They were breaking their big rule here, and Robin cursed Lily for being right about this. Robin could tell that this, the mention of their marriage, was a turning point. "Why are we even talking about this?" she muttered, her face inches from Barney's. She had gotten so used to being around him that the closeness had started to go unnoticed, but this subject made her painfully away of their proximity.  
"Because it's something we should have done a while ago." Barney admitted, and they both knew he was right. They should talk about this.  
The cab came to a halt, and Robin bit her lip as she stepped out onto the sidewalk. Taking a breath to steel herself, she turned back to Barney. "Why don't you come up?"

* * *

**AN: Robin and Barney in denial of and trying to hide their feelings from their friends...sound familiar? Also, I apologize for any mistakes with the whole court scene. I did some research, but I'm not an expert on how custody battles work. **  
** Anyway, thank you for reading!**


	5. Standing Still Is Hard

_You've Got Time- Regina Spektor_

_Think of all the roads_  
_Think of all their crossings_  
_Taking steps is easy_  
_Standing still is hard  
Everything is different_  
_The second time around_

* * *

They didn't speak on the way upstairs, the only sound being the dinging of the elevator. When they got to her apartment, Robin could feel Barney's breath against her neck as she turned the key in the lock. She resisted the urge to shiver. Inside, they both settled onto the couch wordlessly, neither of them knowing where to start.  
Robin, after the silence had gone on too long for her liking, sighed. "You want to talk? Then talk." She didn't mean the words to be so harsh, but the quiet was making her antsy.  
Barney exhaled a long breath, turning his eyes toward the ceiling. After a pause, he looked back at her. "What are we doing?" he asked sincerely. Barney's words unnerved Robin as she stared at him, unblinking.  
"I don't know." she admitted, wishing they could keep up the charade for just a little longer. As in, forever.  
"Look." Barney went on, shifting in his seat so that he could face Robin. "Obviously this is all still fresh."  
Robin nodded dumbly, trying to make her expression look like one of agreement. "So you think we should take some time?"  
"It's what you want, too, right?" Barney was looking at her with muted surprise. Robin didn't say anything at first, forcing down the sudden loss she felt. She had missed him so much, and now he was leaving her all over again. _Though_, the bitter voice in her head corrected, _you were the one who left to begin with. _Robin glanced back to Barney, realizing he was waiting for a confirmation. She opened her mouth to say that yes, that was what she wanted. What came out instead was a quiet but firm "No."  
"What?"  
"No." Robin repeated, finding more strength in her voice now. Barney was even more surprised at that, his eyes portraying shock and something else Robin couldn't name. "That's not what I want."  
"It's not?" Barney asked weakly, his tone seeming to say _what are you doing to me?_  
"What I want," Robin said carefully, but with a certain determination she had summoned from God only knew where, "Is to go a day without missing you." Her tone took on a note of desperation. "Come on, Barney. Can you honestly tell me that these last few weeks haven't been great? This was what we'd always wanted after the divorce- we had said that we wanted to stay friends, and now we finally are."  
"It sounds nice and all," Barney said, his tone hard, "But how can we be friends when there's all this- this _stuff _between us?"  
Robin grabbed his hand in a fit of persuasion. "We could always ignore it." she suggested, then laughed once. "I mean, God, it isn't like that would be anything new to us."  
Barney looked right on the brink of giving in. At the last second, though, he shook his head. "I won't-_I can't_-keep ignoring this." he muttered, almost a plea.  
"Robin" he continued, in a tone so pained that she couldn't bring herself to look at him. "Do you still love me?"  
She did look at him now, and released his hand at the same time. Robin stared at Barney, shell shocked, and couldn't have responded even if she'd wanted to. Of course she loved him. She would, Robin imagined, for the rest of her life. But that didn't mean anything, not really, not when they always ended up here. They had tried and failed a thousand times over. They were just dragging this out, and had it not been for Lily's interference, they would have surely continued to do so until the end of time.  
Robin didn't have the words nor the nerve to tell him that, though. "Barney-" she pleaded, her voice cracking, and then her phone began to ring. _Of course_, Robin thought numbly. She kept her eyes on Barney, apologetic, as he began to shake his head.  
"That's okay." he said, standing from his seat. "I should be going, anyway."  
Robin went to grab his hand, but Barney was already gone. The door shut, and the moment passed, and Robin felt a hollowness in her chest as she answered the phone.

* * *

The news came that afternoon. When Lily had called her from the hospital, Robin abandoned any concerns about her and Barney's situation and rushed down there to be with him.  
The bright lights hurt Robin's eyes as she hurried to the front desk and gave the nurse Loretta's name. Robin repeated the room number in her head as she made her way through the corridors. On the third floor, she spotted Lily and the others gathered by a cluster of chairs outside Loretta's room. Barney was missing from the crowd.  
"Lily," Robin breathed, coming up behind her friend. Lily turned around, giving a quiet cry as she pulled Robin into a quick hug. "What happened to Loretta?"  
"We don't know." Lily explained. "She's just sick, and the doctors say it isn't looking good."  
Robin glanced around at her other friends; Ted and Tracy huddled in chairs, clinging to each other; Marshall hovering behind his wife. "Poor Barney." she nearly whimpered.  
Lily nodded in agreement. Marshall joined them then, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "Apparently he's known for a week." he added.  
"And he didn't say anything?" Robin demanded, surprised. It was unlike Barney-at least the Barney she remembered-to keep something like this from his friends.  
"My guess is he didn't want us to worry about Loretta, you know, or him until it was really necessary."  
Robin didn't respond. Her throat felt thick. Perhaps it was his mother's sudden shortage on time that made Barney want to know where he and Robin stood. She felt the guilt settle in immediately, but pushed it down. Right now, this was about Barney and his mother, and nothing else.  
The five of them took to the corner of the waiting area. While the others made idle chatter, Robin kept her eyes anxiously on the door to Loretta's room.  
"Robin?"  
She jumped, turning her head at the sound of Ted's voice. She blinked, realizing he'd asked her a question. "Huh?"  
Ted looked like he would have been amused, if not for the circumstances. "I asked if you'd talked to Barney recently, and if he seemed off at all."  
"Why would I have talked to him?" Robin said defensively. Ted raised his eyebrows, then glanced at the others.  
Carefully, he explained, "No reason, I just thought he may have mentioned something to you since you guys were always close." As he spoke, Robin felt Lily's eyes boring a hole into her. She knew Lily wanted her to tell them about all the time her and Barney had been spending together.  
"Yeah, well I guess two friends grow a little distant after getting divorced." Robin said bitterly. The others gave looks of alarm, but Ted was sheepish as he gave a gentle "I'm sorry."  
Robin sighed. "No, Ted, I'm sorry. I know you didn't mean-" She cut herself off, taking a slow breath. "It's just rough right now, with work and everything. I guess the stress is getting to me." Her friends nodded their understanding, oblivious, but the look Lily gave Robin told her that she knew exactly what was really the source of Robin's stress.

* * *

**AN: Just a short chapter. I wanted to put this in almost as a filler to set up the bigger, more important chapters that will follow. I know the story's been a little slow so far, but things will be picking up from here and I'm really excited for you guys to see what's to come. Thanks for reading!  
**


	6. This Is Where We Start Again

_Come to Me- the Goo Goo Dolls_

_History is like gravity_  
_It holds you down away from me_  
_You and me, we've both got sins_  
_I don't care about where you've been_  
_Don't be sad and don't explain_  
_This is where we start again_

* * *

They'd been sitting mostly silent for the better part of an hour when the door to Loretta's room finally opened.  
Barney's eyes swept over the five of them, resting on Robin for a beat longer than the others. She moved very quickly, not pausing to lose her nerve, and was suddenly in his arms. Robin felt Barney stiffen for the slightest second before he collapsed into her. He held her tightly for a moment before pulling away. "She asked to see you." Barney said, his tone conveying the confusion Robin felt.  
"Oh." she said, awkwardly untangling herself from Barney. Robin glanced back uncertainly at her friends before approaching Loretta's room.  
Inside, she was laying on the white sheeted hospital bed, looking so pale and small that Robin couldn't believe she was the same woman she'd seen weeks before. Still, the most alarming thing of all was that her arm was held out, beckoning Robin to her.  
Hesitantly, Robin took a seat in the chair at Loretta's bedside. The older woman chuckled at Robin's expression, the laugh throaty and broken. "Don't look so scared." she murmured, though Robin had a feeling she was speaking at the highest volume she could manage. "I know I haven't been the most welcoming to you, but I asked you in here so that I could explain why."  
Robin stared at her, taking the shaky hand Loretta was offering. Her palm was freezing, her fingers bony.  
"I'm sure you know that your divorce took a toll on Barney." Loretta said calmly, almost emotionless. Robin resisted the urge to flinch. "But I doubt you know just how badly it hurt him." she continued, and Robin had to strain her ears to follow along. "Barney loved you more than anyone in this world, dear. I could see it then, and I can see now that he still does. When you two got engaged, it was the happiest I can ever remember him being. And when your marriage ended, it was the lowest. So of course you can see why I was a little...hostile towards you before?"  
Robin nodded wordlessly. Loretta offered a small smile as she went on. "Barney has been doing so well, what with Ellie and everything, and I was afraid that with you back in the picture, he would only get hurt again. But I've seen how he lights up when you come in the room, even now. Even after everything, Barney's happiest with you around." The words made tears rush to Robin's eyes, but she held them at bay. She couldn't cry right now.  
"I'm telling you this," Loretta continued gently, "Because if this is my time, I want to know I'm leaving my Wuv-Wuv in good hands." She paused, thoughtful. "You do still love him, don't you?"  
Robin didn't hesitate. "Yes." she confirmed, her voice thick from the lump in her throat.  
"I'm glad." Loretta said. "Even after all the pain you caused my son, I believe you two should be together. And if you agree, I want you to do something about it- for both of your sakes."  
The tears spilled over afterall, two small droplets in the corners of Robin's eyes. She cleared her throat, embarrassed. "I will, Loretta." she promised, because what else could she say to a dying woman?  
Robin excused herself then. Her chest had begun to feel too tight, like something sharp was digging into it. She hurried right by her friends in the hallway, ignoring them as they called out her name in confusion. Her breathing was hitching already, and Robin knew that if she didn't sit down soon, she would faint. In a fit of desperation, she pushed her way into the woman's restroom, certain she wouldn't make it out of the hospital in time to hail a cab.  
Robin dropped to the floor of the bathroom, with no regard to the germs or the fact that anyone could walk in and see her like this. She didn't care about anything but calming her breathing. Her heart fluttered so quickly that she thought she was having a heart attack. Robin fought to focus on a single point as the corners of her vision went black. She didn't know what had come over her, but something about Loretta's words had made everything about the last two years come flooding back.  
It was Barney who eventually found her. Robin was curled up against the wall with her chest heaving. Through her fuzzy vision, she could see him staring at her, the "Robin?" that left his lips almost inaudible over the blood rushing in her ears.  
Barney didn't try to ask questions, and it was something Robin was grateful for.  
"I get them, too." Barney said once she'd calmed down enough to hear him. He was half holding her, seated on the bathroom floor despite the fact that he was in a suit. Robin couldn't form the words she wanted, so instead she told him the first thing that came to mind.  
"The first time I ever had one, I was flying into Burma." she recalled, looking anywhere but at Barney. She was still trying to completely get a grip. "And as we were beginning to land, I saw the mushroom cloud through the window. The whole plane was shaking, and it was so loud..." She stopped. "Well, anyway, that freaked me out for a while."  
Barney's phone went off, and Robin moved away so that he could fish it from his pocket. She tucked her legs up and wrapped her arms around them as Barney read over a message.  
"Lily says my mom's asking for me." he told her idly, replacing the phone in his pocket.  
"Oh, God." Robin said, horrified. It was humiliating enough to have her ex-husband find her sobbing on a bathroom floor- but Robin had stolen him from his sick mother, too. "I'm so sorry. This was supposed to be about Loretta, and then-"  
Barney waved a hand, cutting her off. "Don't be. You're sure you're okay?" he asked for the fifth time, making Robin feel even more foolish.  
She nodded, letting Barney pull her with him as he stood up. Robin felt oddly like a child and stepped away from him. "Are _you _sure, though?" she asked, catching Barney's eye. "That you're okay?"  
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"  
"Loretta-" Robin began, but was interupted by Barney's chuckle.  
"Please, I'm not worried." he said, and his tone conveyed his usual confidence. "She'll be fine in a few days."  
Robin gave him a wary look. "Barney..." she said warningly.  
"Look, I know what the doctors are saying." Barney explained,"But I also know my mom, and the fact that she's stronger than some mystery illness could ever be."  
Robin could see Barney's certainty and decided it was best not to contradict him. "Well," she said, "Then let's just head back, okay?"  
Barney nodded, placing a hand on Robin's back to lead her out of the bathroom. They were both relieved to see that no one had been waiting outside as they made their way back to the waiting area.  
"What happened to you?" Lily asked once Robin had rejoined them. Her voice was low, but Robin detected an accusation in it. She stared after Barney as he disappeared into Loretta's room. "What did Barney's mom say?"  
"She, uh, just had some questions." Robin said vaguely, glancing away.  
She could tell that Lily wasn't buying it. "Uh-huh. And what questions did Loretta have, exactly?"  
"Oh, you know. About healthcare...and stuff."  
Lily cut her a look. "Robin." she said calmly. "What's going on?"  
Robin sighed, looking over her shoulder at their friends before pulling Lily further aside. "Fine. Loretta was talking to me about Barney. She wanted to make sure that I'd take care of him if she weren't around anymore."  
Robin could see that Lily was surprised. "Take care of him how?"  
Sighing, Robin lowered her voice. "She wants me to tell Barney that I'm still in love with him."  
"So you're admitting it now?" Lily asked excitedly, her voice escalating.  
"_Shh_." Robin hissed, shooting a look back at their friends, but no one was paying them any attention.  
"Sorry." Lily mouthed, then went on, whispering. "But this is huge! You're really doing this?"  
"I don't know." Robin admitted, gnawing at her lip. Her and Barney were still a bit of a question mark in her head. Robin knew that Barney still had feelings for her-and she certainly had them for him-but that didn't necessarily mean that they were going to get back together.  
"Oh, come on." Lily whined, "You can't dangle the dream and then take it away. You have to tell Barney!"  
Robin rolled her eyes. "That's the dream?" Ignoring Lily's shrug, she suddenly became serious. "I don't know if getting back together with Barney is the best idea." Robin said truthfully.  
"But you guys have done it before." Lily protested, confused. "Why is this any different?"  
As soon as the words left her mouth, Lily knew how foolish they were. Of course things were different now. Robin gave her a look. "It's more complicated than it was before." she explained. "This wasn't just some fling that ended, Lil. Barney and I were _married_."  
"I know, Sweetie." Lily said sympathetically. Of course she couldn't relate, but Lily felt for her friend. She could see how much Robin wanted this, yet how hesitant she was to do anything about it. "But I also know you, and I know Barney. I can tell that you both want this."  
Robin released the breath she didn't know she was holding. "Thanks, Lily." Robin gave her a final look, then moved back to join the others. "I, uh, think I'm gonna head out."  
Ted and Tracy were standing up. "Yeah, we were just going home, too." Ted said, helping Tracy into her coat. "We'll walk you out."

* * *

Back at her apartment, Robin flopped onto her bed in a daze. Despite her exhaustion, she forced herself to stay awake and sort things out.  
She closed her eyes and thought of Barney. She thought of their marriage, the first year of which was the happiest time of her life. They had been so great together, proving everyone wrong with their abilities to not only commit to another person, but to _enjoy _doing so.  
And then that second year came. Robin had really started to take off at work, and World Wide News was requiring her to travel more and more. Meanwhile, Barney was newly unemployed and feeling completely useless. And somewhere in the midst of her workload and his lack thereof...Robin and Barney had stopped caring.  
Maybe not stopped caring, Robin amended, but definitely stopped trying. By the two-year mark, fighting had become a weekly occurrence, then a daily one, and then almost hourly. Robin couldn't remember exactly when it was they'd stopped being able to be in the same room for very long, but she _could _remember the way she'd grown indifferent to the arguing. After a while, both her and Barney were just tired.  
A memory rushed back to Robin then, seemingly at random.  
_Coming back to their apartment one night, Robin's phone had rang. Seeing it was Sandy, she answered and had a quick conversation. "Babe?" Barney asked once Robin had hung up, seeing her alarmed look. _  
_ "They want me as a foreign correspondent." she explained, a smile splitting her face. "They're offering me a raise with the promotion."_  
_ Barney had grinned. "That's awesome. Just promise you'll remember your incredibly attractive husband when you make the big time." _  
He'd been so supportive, in the beginning. Robin wondered when everything had become so very fucked up- whether it had been her fault or Barney's. But that was simplifying the situation, Robin knew. They'd both made mistakes in their marriage, and they'd both been responsible for their problems. It took two to divorce, after all.  
But Robin felt like things could be different now. Or that she wanted them to be, at least. And couldn't that, the desire to fix things, be enough?  
Robin didn't know for sure, but she did know what she had to do next.

* * *

**AN: This chapter is a little scattered, but I hope you enjoyed it. I assure you, the next couple of chapters will be much more important plot-wise. Thanks for reading!**


	7. So It Doesn't Hurt

_Stay With Me- Sam Smith_

_Why am I so emotional?_  
_No, it's not a good look, gain some self-control_  
_And deep down I know this never works_  
_But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt_

* * *

Robin woke up the next day with her clothes still on. She had fallen asleep without meaning to, more exhausted than she'd realized. Yesterday's events rushed back to her-Loretta, her breakdown...and Barney. Robin closed her eyes shut again, hoping to vanish the memories.  
The determination she had felt yesterday left her. She had intended to go to Barney's before she'd fallen asleep, to tell him everything. And now Robin was realizing how ridiculous that idea had been. She could accept the fact that she still loved Barney, and that she wanted to be with him again; but the thought of putting all of this on him when Loretta was battling with her health was too selfish.  
Frustrated, Robin decided that she would save _that _talk until after Loretta was on the mend. She pulled herself out of bed, a pain running through her neck from the awkward sleeping angle. As she was entering the kitchen, Robin's phone rang.  
"Hey, Lily." she answered after checking the caller I.D.  
"I never heard from you last night." Lily said excitedly, not even pausing to say hello. "Can I take that as a good sign? Did you do it?"  
Robin almost laughed at her friend's eagerness. "No, I didn't do it." she replied, leaning against the counter. She observed the moving boxes still stacked around the room and considered spending the day unpacking them.  
Lily's excitement plummeted. "Don't tell me you chickened out."  
"I didn't chicken out." Robin disagreed, defensive. "I just realized that it's not the right time. Barney should be able to focus on Loretta without me putting this on him, too."  
Lily was quiet for a while. "Dammit, I wish I had something to argue that with."  
Robin laughed once, grabbing a water bottle from the fridge. "Yeah, well. There's a reason Marshall was the lawyer, and not you." she joked, taking a sip.  
"Just swear to me that when you decide that it _is _the right time to tell Barney..." Lily trailed off.  
Robin grinned. "You'll be the first to know." she promised. The two of them talked for a while longer, and Robin hung up feeling much better about her situation. Maybe it was better that she was waiting to talk to Barney. At least this way she could figure out what the hell she would even say. Robin knew that if she'd gone along with her original plan, the words would have come out something like:  
_Hey, Barney. I was thinking, we're pretty great. And we've always been pretty great, even now when we're not so great. So, it would be pretty great if we got back together. _  
Which, admittedly, were true words. But Robin wanted to lay it all on the line this time- to tell Barney exactly how much she missed him, and how much she wanted to be with him again, for good this time. And with that, Robin, feeling marginally more satisfied, got ready for work.  
Later, in a cab on her way to World Wide News, Robin's phone rang.  
"Robin Scherbatsky." she answered, not bothering to check the ID.  
"Robin." said the person on the other end. Robin recognized the voice, but it was far more grave than she was used to hearing. She suddenly felt nervous.  
"Hey, Tracy." Robin said warily. "Is something wrong?" She already knew the answer to that, though. Tracy's usually upbeat tone was completely gone.  
Tracy hesitated. "Uh, yeah, yeah something is." Robin also realized how unlike Tracy it was to beat around the bush. "Um, it's Barney- well, actually, it's Loretta."  
Robin felt her heart plummet as Tracy explained what had happened. Loretta had fought hard, had gotten better, then gotten worse, and finally the fight left her. Robin felt guilty, because the sorrow she felt wasn't meant for Loretta, but for Barney. He'd always been so close with his mother, and Robin couldn't begin to imagine his pain at that moment. A small part of Robin wondered if Loretta had known all along that she was dying, and if she'd hid it from Barney intentionally. It seemed plausible, and the thought sent a shot of anger through Robin. Loretta had always sugarcoated things for her sons' sakes, but to keep _this _from them?  
Immediately, though, Robin felt all the more terrible for thinking it. Maybe it had been as big a shock to her as it was to everyone else.  
"Robin?"  
It took Robin another moment to realize that Tracy had stopped speaking. "I'm here." she muttered, distracted. She needed to see Barney right away.  
"We're all here at the hospital." Tracy continued, "The others would have called but they didn't want to leave Barney..."  
Robin nodded, then realized that Tracy had no way of seeing her. "Right." she said, relieved to hear that Barney wasn't alone right now. "I'll be there as soon as I can."  
After hanging up with Tracy, Robin called out of work with the excuse of a family emergency. She supposed it wasn't a total lie; whatever her and Barney had become over the years, he would always be family to her. She directed the taxi to the hospital Loretta had been staying at, her stomach tied in a knot the whole ride.  
Robin gave the front-desk nurse Loretta's name, stating that she had been her mother-in-law (also, for all intents and purposes, not a lie). Robin hurried up to the waiting room she'd been in just yesterday, anxious to see Barney.  
Rightly, so, it turned out, because Barney looked like hell. He was almost unrecognizable to Robin, with dark purple circles beneath his usually bright eyes. The baby blue had turned a dull, grayish shade to match his rumpled suit. His hair, also seeming to be less bright, was as haphazard as the loose tie around his neck.  
Barney locked eyes with Robin, his face hollow. He was pale, almost ghostlike. Neither of them said anything, but Robin lifted her arms ever so slightly and suddenly Barney was clutching her for support. Their friends, standing around uncertainly, averted their eyes. Even Lily, ever the meddling one, didn't pay them attention. The moment was too private.  
Robin held Barney silently, supporting almost all of his weight. It wasn't much, really, and Robin noticed for the first time how much thinner he had become in just a week span. But she didn't ask how he was, or if he wanted to talk, and Barney was so grateful that he couldn't form the right words to thank her. It was enough, just knowing by the way their fingers intertwined that she was offering her support.

* * *

They left the hospital a few hours later. Robin trailed after Lily and Marshall, Ted and Tracy close behind. None of them had wanted to leave Barney alone, but he insisted they go home while he handled some of Loretta's affairs. Besides, he'd told them, James and Sam would be by soon to help out. Still, they'd agreed to go home only after Barney promised to spend the night at Lily and Marshall's house.  
"You shouldn't be by yourself tonight." Lily said, gentle but firm. Barney had said very little all day, understandably, but was now arguing the point.  
"Guys." he protested, appealing to the five of them, "I'm fine, really."  
Marshall put a hand on his shoulder. "Barney, it's okay." he said easily, and with that Barney's fight left him. He nodded in reply, giving Marshall a meaningful look.  
Now, Lily hailed a taxi for the five of them. The cab pulled up to the curb, and Lily ushered them inside. When Robin didn't move from her place on the sidewalk, Lily raised her eyebrows. "Coming with?"  
Robin shook her head. "No, uh, Ellie's sitter has to leave by four and Barney asked me to go check in on her." Neither of them voiced how odd it was that Barney would ask that of Robin, and not any of his friends that actually had children. They both thought it, though, and a silent understanding passed between the two women.  
"Well." Lily said, moving to hug her friend, "I'll see you tomorrow, then."  
Robin nodded, returning the hug. They'd made plans to help Barney and James clean out Loretta's house. Sam had wanted to join them, but said that he was not yet ready to see the place without his wife there. "See you." she echoed, watching the cab as it pulled away, joining the busy traffic.  
At Barney's apartment, Robin used the spare key he'd loaned her to unlock the door. It was a weird sensation, having to borrow keys to enter a place she had once called home.  
Robin made polite conversation with Ellie's babysitter, a girl no older than seventeen with pink braces. She offered her condolences for Loretta's passing, and scurried out the door soon after. Robin, tossing down her purse, went to Ellie's nursery. The room was pink all over, from the walls to the furniture to the stuffed animals stacked on a shelf over the crib. Robin almost laughed at the image of Barney being in a room like this. There were several paintings hung up as well, most of which Robin recognized as Lily's art style, save for the one depicting robots playing shot put; one that could have only been done by Tracy.  
Moving towards the crib, Robin peered in to see that Ellie was fast asleep. The baby was a bundle of pink blankets, looking completely peaceful. Robin felt her heart clench at the fact that Ellie could sleep soundly, with no knowledge of the day's events. IT was unlikely that she'd even remember her grandmother, let alone losing her.  
As if on cue, though, Ellie awoke with a shrill cry. Robin jumped at the sudden sound breaking the silence, quickly collecting herself to lift Ellie into her arms. She held her carefully. Even after spending so much time around her friend's children, Robin was still not accustomed to holding something so small and fragile.  
Ellie's screeches eventually faded into small fussing sounds as Robin rocked her. The baby looked up at her with an almost curious expression. She was getting older, her features slowly becoming more defined, and Robin thought that Ellie looked so much like her dad right then. _Except for that damn nose_, she amended bitterly.  
"Hi." Robin murmured, still swaying the little girl. "Hi, Ellie." She paced the room with her, careful not to move too quickly. "I know you don't know what I'm saying, but your grandma was pretty great. You won't remember her, really, but she was. Even though she hated me a little bit." Robin gave a small smile. "She really loved you, though. And your dada. She loved your Uncle James, and your Grandpa Sam. They'll all tell you about her when you're older, though, because they'd want you to know all about your grandma. I know for sure that your dad wouldn't want you to forget about her."  
"Of course I wouldn't."  
Robin whirled around, wincing as Ellie cried at the sudden movement. Barney was leaning against the doorway, his suit coat slung over his shoulder. There was a soft look in his eyes that contrasted with his ragged appearance.  
"Oh." was all Robin said. He moved to take Ellie from her.  
"The will didn't take very long to sort through." Barney explained. "James and Sam are still at the hospital, though. Since they didn't get to say goodbye, you know..." he trailed off, watching his daughter with both adoration and unspeakable sadness. Robin's heart swelled.  
"On your way to Lily and Marshall's?" Robin said, changing the subject. She didn't really know what to say, embarrassed that Barney had heard all she'd told Ellie.  
"I don't know." Barney said mildly. "They don't want me to be alone, but if you're here..." he left the sentence hanging once again, the tension between them spiking. Robin wanted to stay-_God, _did she want to stay-but it wasn't a good idea.  
She swallowed nervously. She felt so weird being there suddenly, like a stranger invading a private moment. Robin's hesitation said it all, and Barney knew she was finding a way to turn him down nicely. But instead of refusing the invitation, Robin found herself nodding. "If you want me to stay."  
"I always want you to stay." Barney said, recklessly. Robin promised herself right then not to read into anything he said that night. He was in a bad place and seeking comfort, she knew. Robin couldn't take anything he said to heart until Loretta's passing wasn't as fresh.  
She nodded dumbly, words failing her. Barney gave her a long look before casting his eyes back down to Ellie. Robin left the tow of them, sitting uncertainly on the couch in the living room. She was very tired suddenly, as she always seemed to be these days.  
Barney joined her a while later. "Ellie's probably out for the night." he announced, moving right to the kitchen to pour himself a drink. As he tilted the bottle, though, he seemed to think better of it and returned the glass to the cabinet. Instead, he moved to the couch with the entire bottle in hand. Robin didn't have it in her to object-maybe being drunk was just what Barney needed right now.  
They sat silently as Barney downed the bottle with impressive speed. Robin couldn't find the words to use, whether to comfort or to scold, and settled for placing a hand over Barney's. The gesture seemed to strike something in him, because the next second the cool demeanor went away as Barney imploded.  
Tears spilled from his eyes faster than he'd drunken the liquor. In all the ears she'd known Barney, Robin had never once seen him so devastated. He'd cried in front of her multiple times, but never with such severity. She felt his pain like a blow to the gut, causing her to hurt as well.  
"She was so great, you know?" Barney muttered several minutes later, voice thick with tears. "She was one of the greatest people I ever knew."  
"I know." Robin said, squeezing his arm gently. When her fingers released, Barney placed a hand over them, keeping them there-needing the touch. He didn't say anything else. Barney looked at Robin with a sudden fervor in his eyes, and Robin knew what would happen before it did.  
The kiss was fierce and Robin could feel Barney's tears wetting her face. She tasted the salt from them, and that other something that was just _him_. In the back of her mind Robin knew how bad this was. This was going to hurt them both further, and Barney had already felt enough pain to last a long time. She ought to push him back, tell him no, but the thought of rejecting him made the ache in her chest stronger. _Maybe this could happen, just for tonight _Robin wagered. But as she grasped at Barney's shoulders, Robin struggled to remember her rule. Take none of it to heart. Don't trust this, because Barney is drunk and vulnerable.  
The thought sobered her up, and Robin managed to push Barney away. "We can't," she said, breathless and guilty. She should have stopped the kiss before it had happened, but she was too selfish for that. And Robin couldn't be selfish now, not with all that Barney was going through. She wouldn't make that mistake again, she vowed, pulling out her phone. Robin dialed, standing so that she could turn her back to Barney. She couldn't stand to see that sad look any longer.  
"Hey." Robin greeted when Lily had answered. "Can you come get Barney? I'm gonna be heading home."  
Once she'd hung up, Robin turned back to face Barney. "I'm..." she began, wanting to say so many things at once. _In love with you. Not what you need right now. _But in the end, Robin settled for "sorry."

* * *

**AN: So this hurt. Unfortunately it's a necessary chapter to further the story, but I hope you guys can enjoy it anyway. As always, thank you for reading!**


	8. All My Broken Heart Beats

_Distance- Christina Perri_

_ Please don't stand so close to me  
I'm having trouble breathing  
I'm afraid of what you'll see right now  
I give you everything I am  
All my broken heart beats  
Until I know you'll understand  
_

* * *

Robin left Barney's feeling a strange mixture of guilt and pride. As awful as she felt for leaving Barney in the state he was in, she had to admit she felt pretty good about walking away before things could go too far.  
The next few days passed without further incident, possibly due to Robin and Barney's lack of communication. Busy with work once again, Robin had a constant distraction to prevent her from thinking about him too much. Still, she did worry about Barney, her mind going to him whenever she had a moment to herself.  
Three days had passed before Robin recieved a call from him. The work day was nearly over and Robin had been packing up for the night, but his name lighting up her phone made Robin stop dead. She answered immediately. "Barney?"  
"Hey." he greeted monotonely. He sounded just as upset as when they had last spoken, but Robin was glad to hear that, at any rate, he didn't sound worse.  
"What's going on?" Robin asked, as casually as she could manage.  
Barney was quiet for a moment, and Robin's concern spiked. "So, I finished up with all the arrangements." he told her, "And, uh, the funeral's tomorrow."  
Robin heard the sadness in Barney's voice, a kind of disbelief in it that made her want to see him immediately. "I'm so sorry." she said, because she was.  
"I know."  
"Well." Robin went on, "I'll be there."  
"I know." Barney repeated. There didn't seem to be anything else to say; he knew Robin would be there. She was always there.  
She hesitated. "Where are you?"  
Barney seemed surprised by the question. "Well, I was holed up at Marshall and Lily's all day and I just escaped."  
"So you're home?"  
She was at his door twenty minutes later, promising herself she wouldn't stay long. When Barney opened the door, Robin wrapped her arms around him. There weren't words that could quite explain what Robin wished she could say. She had to settle for touch. But Barney accepted the hug, carefully putting his arms around Robin.  
And this time, they didn't drink. They didn't do anything, really, other than sit. Barney looked too tired to talk much, but Robin held his hand.

* * *

Today was the day. Barney had been awake for hours, but had been unable to pull himself out of bed until the absolute last minute. When he finally had, Barney dressed slowly, in a stupor.  
The knowledge that he was saying a final goodbye to his mother today made it difficult to work his limbs. He moved as if he was being held back by some great force. Even knowing he was running late, Barney couldn't find it in him to be quicker. Besides, it wasn't like anyone would start without him. You can't have a funeral without the dead woman's son.  
It was an twenty minutes before Barney had found his shoes and put them on. He had gone through the motions of getting ready without really intending to. He felt like a machine on autopilot. When he finally made his way out the door, though, Barney's brain snapped to attention. Robin was waiting on the other side, propped against the threshold.  
"Hi." she greeted quietly, standing up straight. Barney nodded in acknowledgement, smothering his confusion. He remembered now his friend's promise to escort him to the church. Barney-despite his tendency for ostentation-hadn't wanted to ride in the limousine along with James and Sam. It felt wrong to him somehow, making a spectacle today.  
Robin didn't say anything further, but led the way down to Ted's car. The other four were waiting there, each of them giving Barney a squeeze on the shoulder or arm. He felt like a child who was about to receive bad news but none of the adults knew how to break it to him. Of course, the real bad news had long since been shared with Barney.  
Arriving at the church, Barney suddenly felt sick to his stomach. He clutched the car door handle so tightly his knuckles went white. Noticing this, the others filed silently out of the car and stood around, patiently waiting for him. It took Barney a minute to calm down enough to stand, but eventually he joined them. Even so, he still wasn't prepared for what awaited inside.  
"I can't." Barney explained, his lips hardly moving. "Just give me a sec."  
His friends all nodded their understanding. They continued to wait, milling about while other mourners headed inside. They'd been standing for a few minutes when James came up, and Robin could see Tom and their kids standing uncertainly behind him. James rested a hand on his brother's shoulder, and Barney had barely turned to face him before he collapsed into James's arms.  
Robin averted her eyes, the moment feeling too private. She stood silently with her friends, the five of them looking at the ground. Barney returned to them a moment later.  
"The service is about to start." he announced, solemn, and gestured for everyone to keep walking. As they made their way into the church, though, Barney placed a hand on Robin's arm. She stopped, mid-step, and looked at him expectantly.  
"James asked me to give her eulogy."  
"And are you?" Robin asked carefully. Barney looked stricken. While he always did have a certain knack for speeches, this was something else entirely. A spiel for convincing your friends to take a spontaneous trip with you and a eulogy at your mother's funeral were two very different things.  
"I can't really say no to something like that." Barney said at last. It wasn't exactly that he didn't _want _to eulogize Loretta, but that he didn't think he could.  
Robin, of course, seemed to sense this. She offered her hand out to Barney, tilting her head towards the church. "Come on."  
As Barney took her hand, Robin dropped her voice so that only he could hear her words. "I know it's hard for you, Barney. But don't you want others to see Loretta like you do?" She squeezed Barney's hand. "Go up there and tell them exactly how great she was."  
Barney nodded. She never had to say much, but Robin always had the ability to make him feel better.  
When the time for the eulogy was nearing, Robin could see how anxious Barney was. He fidgeted, shifting in his seat every few seconds. Marshall, on Barney's other side, put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. Eventually, the minister (a friend of Sam's from a neighboring church) announced that Barney had "prepared some words in his mother's memory".  
Robin leaned over to him. "Ready?" she asked quietly, the word meant only for his ears.  
Barney stared at her, his mouth open as though he wanted to say something. But he seemed to think better of it, pulling his lips into a thin line. Robin saw the muscles of his jaw clench. She walked Barney towards the podium, not exactly pushing but knowing that he needed help moving his feet. Robin moved to sit back down after they reached the stand, but was stopped by Barney's hand keeping a lock on hers. Seeing the plea in his eyes, Robin moved back to his side. Barney adjusted the microphone with a shaky hand. The room was absolutely quiet as he opened his mouth.  
"Loretta Stinson," he said carefully, but Robin could hear the tremble of his voice, "was the best mom anyone could have asked for. My brother, James, and I didn't have fathers growing up, but she was enough for both parents. She taught me more about being a man than any dad ever could." Barney stopped. Robin squeezed his hand, reassuring him, and he raised his eyes to meet hers. Her gaze was steady, and something in it made Barney go on. "She was strong, even when others couldn't be. She was strong enough to raise two sons on her own, to give them everything she had, and then some. She, uh, would have been strong enough to get through this speech." Barney tried, but the humor wasn't in his voice.  
"I don't want to tell you some crap about how her soul is eternal...or infinite or whatever. As much as we like to think our parents are invincible, they're not. They don't live forever, and neither do their souls. I think the best we can hope for is to honor them through stories. We can tell others about everything they did. And right now, I can tell you all...that Loretta Stinson lived a life that was as legendary as she was strong."

* * *

**AN: Just a quick update. I'm not sure about this chapter, but I wanted to get it posted immediately, so here it is. I hope you enjoyed it regardless, and as always, thanks for reading!**


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